i hate to see my mother addicted with her cellphone, take too much care on that fucking unimportant whatsapp group and social media, sometimes i saw her forget me and dad existence cause focus on that red smartphone, but she always deny and never accept if one of us giving advice.

i hate noisy people, i hate people who judge others without knowing the truth, without trying to understand deeply, i want to say harsh thing too to shut them out, but i try hard not to did it, cause i know the law of life will giving back every deeds, words, and what we hide on mind, and look how bad what i write today. :( i wanna cry.. i don't know who will heard and understand this unimportant thought, and i don't want burdening my friends, i love my friends and family. So as usual i go pray and meditation, but today my mind was messy, i'm trying to istighfar but i can't focus. It must be too many sins on me, i want to cry, but here are several people, and i hate crying in front of people so i just writing on my laptop.

i hate myself falling in love with someone, i hate found myself thinking of him, i hate wasting mytime for love. or maybe thats not love, that just lust or ego. When fall in love your mind will shadowing by people you love and they start taking your time, your energy. They'll starting compete with God on your mind unconciously and by the time you even don't realize shifting Your Lord position, naudzubillah. and i don't want to make second mistake. So i burn, i burn them all. I burn my feelin. I give compassion to all God creature, my family, my friends, plants, animal, but not for love somebody deeply, not today.

Sometimes i really want to live as a monk in a high mountain, in a warm wooden house and making friends with animal. Sometimes i want living alone as a wanderer, travel around the world not for just having fun and takes nice photo, but to see other life and other perspective, to learn ancient history, old building, and many more... if i tellin my friends and family that i want to be a monk, they might say i'm crazy. i mean, look at you! nowadays everypeople go for nice college, nice job, nice company, nice house, nice car, nice lover, and all nice surface. But myself always trying to swim deeply to find and see the core of all. It was something beyond phisycal things.

-Mus.